Post by Antal AdriaanseEnglish is not my first language. I think I understand it,
so I guess it's okay. But I think you can do better.
I appreciate your honesty, it's just what I was looking for. The "tear in the rain" thing strikes me as a bit corny, but it is actually fairly appropriate to what I'm trying to express. I'm very much on the fence about it, but I think with a small rhythmic tweak it might do the trick. It's grown on me since I last posted.
Post by Antal AdriaanseDoes this work in English?
I try to hold on, until there's no more pain
(plus a second line)
This is close, but a bit off the mark of what I'm going for. (I'd love to hear the Dutch version!) What I'm trying to say is that I feel guilty about coming to terms with it. The pain is passing, like it always does. But I feel like if I let that happen, it's like I'm not paying proper tribute. I should *always* hurt, forever, and it bothers me that the hurt is subsiding. So I'm trying to hold on to the last of the pain, despite the fact that it's slipping away.
And this is where "it's melting away like a tear in the rain" sort of works, if the tear is (obviously) grief, and the rain is time. Plus, the next couplet makes a reference to clouds rolling away, which really ties together the rain theme.
I'm grateful for the feedback, but I may go with what I have. As I consider the piece as a whole, it's already a bit corny. It's very earnest, not guarded or self-conscious at all, and I'm making no effort to be especially clever (because it's not about me being clever), so I think it might be okay. I know English isn't your first language (which you'd never know based on your activities here, so kudos to you, Tal) but I'm going to go ahead and dump the entire lyric here, just for context. And because I feel like I'm ready to share it. I'm feeling pretty good about it, warts and all. The "tear in the rain" line is hardly the only potentially embarrassing line in the song, and I think I really don't care about that. It's honest. It's the best tribute I can offer someone who made me feel exactly like this, whether it's corny or not. (Oh, and I feel compelled to mention that the religious symbolism in this lyric is merely that, symbolic. I don't actually subscribe to any of that, but it conveys an emotion.)
Cheryl, on the off-chance you're reading this thread... yeah, this is for Steve.
ron
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"As Do We All"
Peter awaits
At the toll at the pearly gates
And if love is the currency
That heaven is due
I know they saw you coming
And they waved you right through
'Cause they knew you
As did we all
Before you got far
They handed you your guitar
So you played them your music
And before very long
Every soul in the heavens
Had a new favorite song
'Cause they heard you
As did we all
I remember a time not so long ago
When I couldn't have imagined
A world without you in it
Smiling every minute
Laughin' in the face of fate
Now I don't know what to do
With all these memories of you
I wanna pick up the phone
And it kills me to know
You won't be there
So now I pray
That I'll see you again some day
And I scream to the heavens
To cut me some slack
But they've got no intention
Of giving you back
'Cause they love you
As do we all
I remember it like it was yesterday
We were trading off numbers
"Dirty" and "Widget"
"Bleeding Heart Contingent"
Laughing like a couple of kids
Now I don't know what to do
With all the time I wish that I could spend with you
But that won't come true
So here we are
As we float among our mother stars
You in the cosmos and me on the ground
You rising higher and me breaking down
Trying to hang on to the last of the pain
As it's melting away like a tear in the rain
Feeling so guilty for feeling okay
As the clouds roll away to reveal a brand new day
'Cause I miss you
As do we all
Yes I miss you my friend
As do we all